[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
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My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes