The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
You Might Also Like
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
oh you like architecture? name three walls
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
asking santa clause for nudes
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
my mind
You just read my mind
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.