Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Bootstraps
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
At least he brought enough for everyone
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*