[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?