I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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MAX
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders