I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
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The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.