You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Are we there yet?…
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
How times have changed.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Pigeon open mic night.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.