When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂