Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I know
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture