addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs