I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
🙋♀️
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Catercrombie & Fish
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened