interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.