I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot