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ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
There is wisdom there.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me