Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
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[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from