[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE