I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
i meant to share this earlier
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.