I know a bad idea when I see one.
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?