passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.