My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I love you…
…r dog.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator