Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Sounds about right! 💯
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.