Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Body by cheese-puffs.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was