[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?