SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.