Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Does it…does it take 3 days
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.