My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
You Might Also Like
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.