If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands