*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.