A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat