Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
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Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Well, this explains it:
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*