Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.