‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?