People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Bike for sale
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.