10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs