This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.