If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
It was worth a shot 😂
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.