[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?