Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.