cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.