im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.