Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.