*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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Looking at you, Jesus.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.