How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT