Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me buying fruit and veg
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
presenting your incognito window wrapped