older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”