You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesnโt really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. ๐๐ ๐ป๐
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Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
โDave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasnโt moved in like three hours. Itโs freakinโ weird.โ
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Iโm equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Iโm not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know Iโve seen some cooking shows.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Just saw a โJesus 2020โ sign and I had no idea he was running
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
San Francisco has too many rules
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I canโt stop laughing ๐คฃ
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Letโs consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*