[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The USS B port
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.