WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”