It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Hamburger Hinderer.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Look at this