The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
*gets down on one knee*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow